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Thought process.

November 12th, 2005 (10:22 pm)

current mood: Engaging the enemy!
current song: Nickelback-Breath

I've just downloaded some nickelback and kicked back to relax with some Samurai Champloo when it hits me. In the back of my head I think about what I should talk about to my mother tomarrow and what I should say to my girlfriend when she cries on the phone next time I call her. My main stream of thoughts don't allow me peace though, I'm not thinking about people that I could pick up the phone and speak to.

One of the things I shall do when I take my leave in January is go and visit my grandfathers grave. When I was young he was this larger then life character that had built the house that I grew up in. I always thought it strange that we were in the house and my grandparents lived in a trailer a short distance down the road. It made me angry to leave when we lost the ranch. A six year old kid plotting how to regain a plot of land seems strange. It wasn't the fact that I had built my first fort there or the fun I had with the animals we raised there, it pissed me off that we lost something that my grandfather built with his own two hands.

As I grew up I began to realize what type of person my father is. I still love him but it is hard to respect someone who lets things slip from their fingers that other people worked hard to give them. I idealized my grandfather because he did the things he said he would do and he made sure the people around him were taken care of. It still makes me wonder why my father did not have the same qualities.

When I bought my first car from my mother the first long distance trip I took was to see my grandparents. I continued to visit them whenever I could afford the gas. One day when I was visiting them my grandfather cried because we were there to see him. It affected me because I had never seen him cry and at the time it mystified me because we were there because he had been there for us. I really didn't see why it should matter to him so much at that time.

It was hard for me when my grandfather could not remember my name. I had started collage and had gone to see one of my cousins get married when I came up the driveway my grandparents were sitting in front of the garage. My grandmother smiled when I greeted them but my grandfather had this look of confusion and I asked what was wrong. My world stopped for a brief moment when he replied that he knew me but could not remember my name. It was hard to see someone who I had rendered invincible in my head so vulnerable. Soon after my grandfather was struck with an illness and after being treated at the hospital had to go to a nursing home. It seems a common thing for an Atchison to die soon after not being able to care for themselves. I don't know if it is pride or stubborness that does this to us.

I broke down when they closed the casket, a hero whome I had respected was gone and I really didn't know what to do about it. Each time I visit his resting site I have to fight back the emotions that assail me. It is funny though, my grandfather fought against canadian thisel all the time we had the ranch and now it plagues the cemetery that he is in. I take great pleasure in clearing it out each time I visit. Unfortunatly I will not be able to do that because of the snow when I visit next.

Maybe this will help me rest tonight.


Posted by: ceri_eiluned (ceri_eiluned)
Posted at: November 13th, 2005 03:24 pm (UTC)


Posted by: Sarge (sarge104)
Posted at: November 13th, 2005 11:25 pm (UTC)
*Hugs back*

Hmmm, hotmail will not let me post responses for some reason. Anyway, thanks, was tired last night and probably needed sleep. :)

Posted by: ceri_eiluned (ceri_eiluned)
Posted at: November 14th, 2005 12:44 pm (UTC)
Re: *Hugs back*

:) probably.
Just glad to see you posting.

Posted by: Sarge (sarge104)
Posted at: November 15th, 2005 12:25 am (UTC)
Re: *Hugs back*

You know I've been wondering why I've not seen your posts. I don't have you on my friends list...heheh. Fixing that now. It's been a monday.

Posted by: ceri_eiluned (ceri_eiluned)
Posted at: November 15th, 2005 01:02 pm (UTC)
Re: *Hugs back*

lol, nevermind. I haven't posted myself for a while, will try & fix that soon.

Posted by: Nobody (studyofme)
Posted at: November 13th, 2005 07:18 pm (UTC)

Your grandfather sounds like an impressive man. I'll bet he was as thankful to have you in hi life as you were to have him.

Posted by: Sarge (sarge104)
Posted at: November 13th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC)

He was very cool, a real cowboy with the bowed legs, a sailor, and a builder. Part of my reason for joining the navy was because of his past contributions as a water tender on the ships he served on. LOL, he even was on ships that carried presidents.

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